Just emerged from a lovely reverie on the bus. Bus journeys have become part of my life again recently. On a bus I'm often struck by how much I love this city. It seems crazy to contemplate moving anywhere else - although I do, regularly - Devon, for example. There's something addictive about Brighton - I know there are cheaper places to live that are just as lovely, with communities of their own, but somehow Brighton always pulls me in...
Looking out the window of the bus I can see ... a group of university music students jamming on the lawn...women pushing twin buggies along... an animated discussion between two dreadlocked hippies outside the Cowley Club...smart businessmen and women heading for the train station, back to London...I can see all possibilities and all lifestyles, all questions, all choices, all connections. It helps me make connections in my own life, and think about what I am doing, and where I want to go.
The Zen of Motherhood
I was also thinking: motherhood is so incredibly Zen, in a way. It's a wonderful way to peel off the layers. I find myself losing my preferences gradually, and growing in my ability to be okay with unpredictability, chaos, the unknown. Something I've always been both drawn to, and terrified of - like many of us, I suppose. There I am, on the bus, sprawled across two seats so I can breastfeed my baby, honestly not giving a s*** about what anyone might think. I wrote recently about being sensitive to others' reaction to my baby's crying. Well, I'm making progress with that. I'm starting to trust that I know my J, and I trust my mothering. You really need that trust, as a mother. Especially times like, on Monday night when I returned from a poetry event that I read at, and poor J was crying his eyes out. The minute I took him from his dad, he stopped. It really hit me: He needs me.
Of course, I felt guilty...having chosen to do something out of the home at night time, which I very rarely do these days...but I know this is just part of what I have to cope with. The conflicting needs. However, it did make me resolve to not leave J at night unless I truly feel it's important... it's a tough call to make. But today, I took him to a creche for the first time, stayed with him for part of the time, and did some writing on the PC's that were available. Mainly work on my novel - just reading through character sketches and fleshing out plot. But he was fine. The creche worker told me he had been great, and is obviously very secure; she congratulated me on doing a good job. These affirmations are what mothers need, and more of!
Let's affirm each other as mothers.