A Little Outing

Yesterday I went to the Hanover Poetry Festival, part of the Brighton Festival Fringe. It was an outdoor daytime event at Queenspark, which is one of my favourite parks in Brighton. It was great to meet up with Lou-Ice, my friend and writing partner/inspiration of five years (wow, has it been that long!), and hear her performance of some new poems. As ever I enjoyed seeing Disraeli live, and he did a collaborative piece on Woodvale Crematorium with a guy whose name I didn't catch, but was also good. It made me want to rush up there to check out the amazing views he was talking about! The weather was drizzly but do-able. J enjoyed meeting some more trees and gave me some much-needed reading and brainstorming time before the event started, by having a long nap!

On Monday when I visited one of my friends who is expecting her first baby next month, I discovered a wonderful parenting magazine, Juno. I was impressed with both the writing and the range of topics. It's for the 'natural parenting'-minded and has everything from breastfeeding stories, to ecological/ethical issues, gentle discipline and different types of schooling. Definitely one I want to submit to.

I seem to have got back into my writing swing - when will I accept there are just rhythms to these things, and go with it? I've been working a bit on my novel, and writing two articles for Suite 101, one on communal living and its advantages to people and planet (a subject that fascinates me), and one on child-friendly attitudes and their importance to the whole of society. I submitted a poem for a breastfeeding poem competition on a website, just for fun really. And have been mind-mapping ideas for yoga workshops and courses. Am considering going the pre-booked course route as still haven't had any students for my drop-in :( It's so competitive in Brighton, I think you need to have a different 'edge' to compete. But on the one side I have the 'business brain' which is wanting to market effectively and so on, and on the other I feel that I should just be letting it flow and happen without trying to control. A combination of these is what I'm working towards...

wow, the time flies!

I have been really immersed in motherhood the past little while. Some highlights from the past couple of weeks: J experiencing his first ride on a swing, going down a slide and playing with sand; going to London to visit friends I've known for nearly a decade, who are great with J, and J loving London (his second visit; re-connecting with my lifelong friend, her sister and her mom (my second family, in a nutshell) and them spending time with J; and lots of beautiful sunny days. Amazing what a difference good weather makes: I feel lighter, more relaxed, and FREE when the sun is out and I no longer have to put layers on to go out. And J is enjoying being barefoot and free too!

Haven't had time for any writing other than mind-mapping my next Suite 101 article and reading more of 'Writer Mama', and doing a couple of exercises on there. I have just been too mind-numbingly exhausted, a combination of the weekend in London taking its toll (three nights of too little sleep in a row leads to a very tired mommy) and J's sleep being out of whack ever since, and the fact that J has been going through an exceptionally 'clingy' phase. Apparently it's a normal developmental stage, when at 7 months they first realise you are in fact separate from them, so this means even leaving the room for two seconds becomes an issue...it's hard work! Plus he has been waking loads at night again. It's so tough without family nearby to help. Friends can help here and there for an hour but I feel bad asking them, and they all have their own lives. Feel a bit on the edge of my tolerance for this intensity...but at the same time loving my time with my baby.

My next step with 'Writer Mama' is to get four magazines for each of my target audiences - writers, mothers, yoga teachers/holistic-minded people and women - and analyse them. Going to head for the library as no way I can afford to buy 16 magazines! Little steps, little steps....

Sunday ...exhausted!

Taught a yoga class at LA Fitness Gym today, covering for my teacher. It was great - I haven't taught there for months but used to do it fairly regularly as cover. It's weird how things come full circle - that gym was where I first started doing Kundalini Yoga, and now I am teaching there. I got a good response with a couple of students asking me afterwards about my new class. Always a good sign. I feel so amazing after teaching, it's one of those things that I can do and really be totally immersed in, not half somewhere else. No problem being 'in the moment' there! Even temporarily forgot about my perennial obsession, my baby!

I haven't had much time to write the past couple of days, although I submitted a new article to Suite 101 on Thursday. It turns out writing specifically for the web takes some getting used to; I got some feedback from the editor that made me aware of needing to improve on my search engine optimisation! But it's a learning curve ;) I got good feedback re my articles from another writer mama on a forum for holistic-minded mothers that I frequent, which was great.

Attended the Will Self reading with G, promoting his new book, 'The Butt', at the Old Market Theatre (associated with City Books) on Thursday night. Was rather nerve-wracking as had to drop J off at friends to babysit, and was called back there before the end of the event as he was crying :( It really breaks my heart when that happens. But apparently he was fine most of the time, and at least I was just down the road. Anyway it was quite inspiring, hearing such a successful author read, and hearing the way he answered questions.

Really 'in love' with my baba lately - I've been 'wearing' him a lot the last few days and it makes a difference to how close we feel. I love my Ergo! J has been so much fun to be with, he is just full of laughs and life.

29 March

Torn

so...i'm not doing too well with the three times a week thing! Am just about to go to bed and take advantage of the 2 hour gap between feeds. I've had a frustrating few days trying to get any writing done. Managed little glimpses of my novel but it's slow going. I think what's hard is, I'll have a few good productive days, think 'aah this is working', and then J is particularly needy and I don't have a chance to do anything.

It would be easier if I had designated 'times off' when I could just focus on writing and building up my yoga teaching, because when I have to slot it in everywhere I end up losing focus on what's really my priority right now: taking care of J. Which isn't fair on him. But I feel positive about having got the contract with http://www.suite101.com/, to write content for them. I've written my first article and just have to edit it now. I would love to be able to write an article a day, but it's only feasible if I get more help in the childcare department I feel so torn at the moment between building up my career and totally being immersed in motherhood. But now that J is 6 months I feel it's time...to start slowly integratng it all into my life.

Can't I just have a hot chocolate??

Yesterday though I had a bit of a close-to-cracking type of day ...they happen now and again. The worst moment was when he was having a meltdown as I'd just sat down to a nice hot chocolate at a cafe (previously he'd been asleep)m and another mother of a baby (who I could swear I've met at some mom and baby group or other) gave me a 'look' instead of a nice supportive, much-needed smile. Grrr. A phonecall to my partner about it all was no more helpful and I was reminded of how I need to share these moments with sympathetic girlfriends only. Aah well. I feel better today for having gone on a nice peaceful walk to Withdean Park (J asleep in the Ergo Carrier). Speaking of the Ergo Carrier, it's changing my life! Having him on my back instead of the front makes a world of difference. It's a pity a lot of the time he fusses and isn't happy when I put him in there. Maybe (hopefully) he's just getting used to a new carrier.

Watched the film 'Perfume' tonight with G. It was good - I like that sort of atmospheric period stuff with a slightly spooky feel. Today was a bit manic - 'sister-in-law' and kids came for an impromptu visit... while they were entertaining to J which was great, I felt disgruntled at having to entertain them when I had tons of other stuff to be getting on with.Laundry, dishes, other exciting stuff! Anyway, must be off to bed now.Looking forward to a walk in Ditchling tomorrow with friends.