Ideas in the Night, and Seeing my Work in Print

Funny how so many of my creative ideas and writing thoughts for my blog come while I'm putting J to bed, and can't immediately get them down on paper. His bedtime routine takes up to an hour, although it's been swifter lately since I've figured out the feeding-him-to-sleep-in-the-Ergo trick. It must be my equivalent of 'having ideas in the shower'.

With an average of eight wakings per night, for 14 months, I reckon that to be about 2000 times I've responded to J in the night. Whew. Every one of those interactions, or at least the cumulative effect of all that consistent night-time parenting, must be instilling some sort of security, right?

I wonder. Another mom was telling me how her 10 month old just doesn't seem to notice whether she is there or not, and is happy as long as there is stuff going on and other people to interact with. He doesn't seem to have hit the 7-month-separation-anxiety stage that J seemed to have virtually from birth (and it only worsened at 7 months). Another mom remarked, "Oh, it's because he's so secure. You've made him so secure." And I thought, what, and I haven't, because he cries every time I leave the room? I don't think so.

It seems they are all different, and we just work out our individual strategies to deal with it. I now almost enjoy my 'quiet time' with J when he wakes up and I get to enjoy his cuddliness, and also just try to be in the moment. I sing mantra's to him sometimes so that doubles up as spiritual practice I guess ;) Multi-tasking and all that.

Yesterday I received a copy of Juno magazine in the post - the winter issue in which my article 'Ten Months on: Surrendering to the Shifting Tides of Motherhood' appears. An odd feeling to see photo's of me and J, and actually read my words in print. As usual I devoured the rest of the magazine, a brilliant one, and was inspired by its articles on the research behind home education and on the role of media advertising in children's upbringing. I feel proud to be part of a publication that provides such a welcome contrast to the mainstream parenting magazine industry, which all too often focuses on 'controlling' children and improving their 'behaviour', rather than looking at them as whole beings. I'm re-reading the brilliant Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and his thoughts on behaviourism and why it shouldn't be applied to human beings, are sobering indeed. I feel freshly resolved to commit to the 'path less taken' as far as discipline is concerned.

The Ups and Downs

The past few weeks have been challenging, exciting, and at times blissful. I had a spurt of productivity with my Suite 101 articles, but this week feel drawn to working on my novel again, and I find I cannot do both. The novel is flowing better, after a week of being a bit stagnant, so I'm grateful for that.

I've had a few bits of good news in my writing career: an article I wrote on life coaching and motherhood, will appear in the August edition of 'Personal Success' magazine (sadly, another unpaid clip, but any publication is great); I received an Editor's Choice Award for my '10 Tips on Green Parenting' article on Suite 101; and I have a spot reading my poetry at the massive O2 festival in London, in early July, thanks to my long-time friend and fellow writer who is editor of 2 magazines that are hosting the spot. So...I feel positive that some of my plugging away is making things happen out there. I also received a copy of the beautiful women's soul poetry collection, 'Brighid's Runes: A Collection of Women's Soul Poetry', compiled by Rachel Mica McCann, in which my poem 'For Sylvia' appears. The proceeds of the book will go towards projects such as the Greenbelt Movement. Planting trees is always a wonderful thing to be involved in. Copies are available from Rachel at rmicamc@yahoo.co.uk.

I'd like to focus more on getting into print media again. But I feel overwhelmed by all the possible different directions to go in, and too little time. I remembered recently that I am supposed to be on maternity leave, not working as such yet... but something happened when J hit the 6 month mark, and I needed to do something for myself. At the moment I have a first draft of an article for Juno Magazine, and am trying to think of things to submit to The Guardian.

As for my yoga classes, despite more advertising, still no go there. Which isn't a good feeling, but I have to accept the setbacks with the good. I am giving a 'new mothers writing workshop' in July which I'm currently advertising. I'm looking forward to trying new things and discovering what works (and doesn't work!)

I have been feeling pretty burned out because of the intensity of J's separation anxiety lately. Whew. It's hard work being the other half of someone who is learning how to be a human being. Especially without an extended family or network around me. It's really hard at the moment to have time for me, and I know this is probably going to be even more severe when J becomes more mobile. I think, what did you expect? But it doesn't help to deal with the reality. At the same time, he is becoming more lovely and fascinating by the day, and I love seeing his cognitive and emotional development alongside his motor development. It's a unique experience, seeing a new person unfold, and wondering what he will be like. I felt sad, reading 'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph, when he describes being mother to an older boy, and I found it so hard to imagine.

wow, the time flies!

I have been really immersed in motherhood the past little while. Some highlights from the past couple of weeks: J experiencing his first ride on a swing, going down a slide and playing with sand; going to London to visit friends I've known for nearly a decade, who are great with J, and J loving London (his second visit; re-connecting with my lifelong friend, her sister and her mom (my second family, in a nutshell) and them spending time with J; and lots of beautiful sunny days. Amazing what a difference good weather makes: I feel lighter, more relaxed, and FREE when the sun is out and I no longer have to put layers on to go out. And J is enjoying being barefoot and free too!

Haven't had time for any writing other than mind-mapping my next Suite 101 article and reading more of 'Writer Mama', and doing a couple of exercises on there. I have just been too mind-numbingly exhausted, a combination of the weekend in London taking its toll (three nights of too little sleep in a row leads to a very tired mommy) and J's sleep being out of whack ever since, and the fact that J has been going through an exceptionally 'clingy' phase. Apparently it's a normal developmental stage, when at 7 months they first realise you are in fact separate from them, so this means even leaving the room for two seconds becomes an issue...it's hard work! Plus he has been waking loads at night again. It's so tough without family nearby to help. Friends can help here and there for an hour but I feel bad asking them, and they all have their own lives. Feel a bit on the edge of my tolerance for this intensity...but at the same time loving my time with my baby.

My next step with 'Writer Mama' is to get four magazines for each of my target audiences - writers, mothers, yoga teachers/holistic-minded people and women - and analyse them. Going to head for the library as no way I can afford to buy 16 magazines! Little steps, little steps....