Ideas in the Night, and Seeing my Work in Print

Funny how so many of my creative ideas and writing thoughts for my blog come while I'm putting J to bed, and can't immediately get them down on paper. His bedtime routine takes up to an hour, although it's been swifter lately since I've figured out the feeding-him-to-sleep-in-the-Ergo trick. It must be my equivalent of 'having ideas in the shower'.

With an average of eight wakings per night, for 14 months, I reckon that to be about 2000 times I've responded to J in the night. Whew. Every one of those interactions, or at least the cumulative effect of all that consistent night-time parenting, must be instilling some sort of security, right?

I wonder. Another mom was telling me how her 10 month old just doesn't seem to notice whether she is there or not, and is happy as long as there is stuff going on and other people to interact with. He doesn't seem to have hit the 7-month-separation-anxiety stage that J seemed to have virtually from birth (and it only worsened at 7 months). Another mom remarked, "Oh, it's because he's so secure. You've made him so secure." And I thought, what, and I haven't, because he cries every time I leave the room? I don't think so.

It seems they are all different, and we just work out our individual strategies to deal with it. I now almost enjoy my 'quiet time' with J when he wakes up and I get to enjoy his cuddliness, and also just try to be in the moment. I sing mantra's to him sometimes so that doubles up as spiritual practice I guess ;) Multi-tasking and all that.

Yesterday I received a copy of Juno magazine in the post - the winter issue in which my article 'Ten Months on: Surrendering to the Shifting Tides of Motherhood' appears. An odd feeling to see photo's of me and J, and actually read my words in print. As usual I devoured the rest of the magazine, a brilliant one, and was inspired by its articles on the research behind home education and on the role of media advertising in children's upbringing. I feel proud to be part of a publication that provides such a welcome contrast to the mainstream parenting magazine industry, which all too often focuses on 'controlling' children and improving their 'behaviour', rather than looking at them as whole beings. I'm re-reading the brilliant Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and his thoughts on behaviourism and why it shouldn't be applied to human beings, are sobering indeed. I feel freshly resolved to commit to the 'path less taken' as far as discipline is concerned.

Sunday ...exhausted!

Taught a yoga class at LA Fitness Gym today, covering for my teacher. It was great - I haven't taught there for months but used to do it fairly regularly as cover. It's weird how things come full circle - that gym was where I first started doing Kundalini Yoga, and now I am teaching there. I got a good response with a couple of students asking me afterwards about my new class. Always a good sign. I feel so amazing after teaching, it's one of those things that I can do and really be totally immersed in, not half somewhere else. No problem being 'in the moment' there! Even temporarily forgot about my perennial obsession, my baby!

I haven't had much time to write the past couple of days, although I submitted a new article to Suite 101 on Thursday. It turns out writing specifically for the web takes some getting used to; I got some feedback from the editor that made me aware of needing to improve on my search engine optimisation! But it's a learning curve ;) I got good feedback re my articles from another writer mama on a forum for holistic-minded mothers that I frequent, which was great.

Attended the Will Self reading with G, promoting his new book, 'The Butt', at the Old Market Theatre (associated with City Books) on Thursday night. Was rather nerve-wracking as had to drop J off at friends to babysit, and was called back there before the end of the event as he was crying :( It really breaks my heart when that happens. But apparently he was fine most of the time, and at least I was just down the road. Anyway it was quite inspiring, hearing such a successful author read, and hearing the way he answered questions.

Really 'in love' with my baba lately - I've been 'wearing' him a lot the last few days and it makes a difference to how close we feel. I love my Ergo! J has been so much fun to be with, he is just full of laughs and life.

29 March

Torn

so...i'm not doing too well with the three times a week thing! Am just about to go to bed and take advantage of the 2 hour gap between feeds. I've had a frustrating few days trying to get any writing done. Managed little glimpses of my novel but it's slow going. I think what's hard is, I'll have a few good productive days, think 'aah this is working', and then J is particularly needy and I don't have a chance to do anything.

It would be easier if I had designated 'times off' when I could just focus on writing and building up my yoga teaching, because when I have to slot it in everywhere I end up losing focus on what's really my priority right now: taking care of J. Which isn't fair on him. But I feel positive about having got the contract with http://www.suite101.com/, to write content for them. I've written my first article and just have to edit it now. I would love to be able to write an article a day, but it's only feasible if I get more help in the childcare department I feel so torn at the moment between building up my career and totally being immersed in motherhood. But now that J is 6 months I feel it's time...to start slowly integratng it all into my life.

Can't I just have a hot chocolate??

Yesterday though I had a bit of a close-to-cracking type of day ...they happen now and again. The worst moment was when he was having a meltdown as I'd just sat down to a nice hot chocolate at a cafe (previously he'd been asleep)m and another mother of a baby (who I could swear I've met at some mom and baby group or other) gave me a 'look' instead of a nice supportive, much-needed smile. Grrr. A phonecall to my partner about it all was no more helpful and I was reminded of how I need to share these moments with sympathetic girlfriends only. Aah well. I feel better today for having gone on a nice peaceful walk to Withdean Park (J asleep in the Ergo Carrier). Speaking of the Ergo Carrier, it's changing my life! Having him on my back instead of the front makes a world of difference. It's a pity a lot of the time he fusses and isn't happy when I put him in there. Maybe (hopefully) he's just getting used to a new carrier.

Watched the film 'Perfume' tonight with G. It was good - I like that sort of atmospheric period stuff with a slightly spooky feel. Today was a bit manic - 'sister-in-law' and kids came for an impromptu visit... while they were entertaining to J which was great, I felt disgruntled at having to entertain them when I had tons of other stuff to be getting on with.Laundry, dishes, other exciting stuff! Anyway, must be off to bed now.Looking forward to a walk in Ditchling tomorrow with friends.