I'm often amazed by the effect of uplifting company on my mood. Yesterday I was feeling a bit down and bored with the whole Stay-at-Home Mom routine. Morning time felt like wading through quicksand as I tried to eat my breakfast, read to J, and deal with his frustration when he couldn't get Eeyore to fit on top of the microwave.
Meeting up with a good friend and fellow mother later that afternoon, in the lovely Royal Pavilion Gardens, I caught some unexpected sunshine - both in the sky and in my mood. The key, for me, is honesty. I've met with fellow mom friends where that plain-speaking connection was absent, and gone away feeling even more alone. Susan Maushart's book The Mask of Motherhood discusses the phenomenon of mothers pretending everything is OK to each other, and therefore robbing themselves of the true support they could offer each other.
I'm not having any truck with that anymore. The ambivalence of motherhood, as well as tips and tricks on how to handle toddler tantrums, are the bread and butter of my conversations with my peers. Being a stay-at-home mom but feeling guilty for wishing you could get away sometimes. Or being a work-ouside-the-home mom and feeling guilty for being away so much.
One of the less-talked about things my friend and I discussed was the successive 'stages' of motherhood. How, now that we've got past the first year (and I'm nearly done with the second), it's hard to look back to that symbiotic, all-consuming early motherhood stage. Like once you are a teenager, you dissociate yourself from the things of childhood, not wanting to be reminded of that painful dependence.
Similarly, I find I'm gravitating more towards mothers of older children, those my son's age or older. Those who can show me the progression a little further down the line, and who are not still completely wrapped up in the newborn stage, where you live, eat, breathe and sleep baby. I'm also starting to do things such as plan poetry gigs, like my upcoming ones with my Writing Sisters Collective at Brighton Poetry Society on the 27th July, and the Out of The Ordinary Festival in September. You can listen to some of my performance poetry on my My Space page.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with the 'submersion' stage, and it's entirely appropriate at that stage. I was like that too. But now I'm starting to spread my wings and take moves towards re-establishing my own life. Today I visited the Brighton Buddhist Centre, had a chat about their programme of study and meditation and sat in their shrine room in much-needed silence; sat on the seafront and meditated looking at the sea; read a short story; went to the library; and now I'm procrastinating before getting down to some work on my short stories! All of these things rejuvenate me and bring me back to a sense of who I am, in parallel to J's increasing independence.
(Image courtesy of Brighton Buddhist Centre website)
5 comments:
Hey there - can totally relate. But then, my wee man is the same age. Its like, suddenly I am getting a bit bored of being at home all day. And I am starting to think that perhaps a couple of mornings in a nursery would actually be GOOD for him (and me!) am figuring out what to do next too. And I have a blog too! I am not 'public' with my blog. I started it just for me really, although I do have some readers, I don't generally know them. But seeing as you have put yourself out there, check out my blog too if you like. Its about figuring out how to achieve my dreams, survive, make the best out of life, get stuff done.... and all that sort of stuff. A totally non focused sort of blog!!
and another thing -I think your poems are lovely. You write really well. Well done you for posting them.
It is funny the virtual world. Sometimes you see more of someone when you dont actually see them. Although of course, we have always had wee bubs taking most of our attention when we do see each other.
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed my post and the poems. I just had a look at your blog and it's great! Am also very interested in getting rid of debt...so will keep an eye on your entries about that in particular! And yes, somehow the settings in which we've met have not been conducive to much philosophising ;)
funny how you sometimes need to spend a day with yourself BEFORE getting into writing ... sounds beautiful with the buddhist centre. I often find that if I've been working a few days in a row I need some time to read and walk and bum around BEFORE I can get any writing done ... looking forward to getting back into some sisters stuff. thanks for reading my blog! xx
Thanks Loi, I think it does take time to get out of one mode and into another - but I'm a bit hard on myself about this!
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