i'm just stopping by...

ok, STOP DOING HOUSEWORK!

J has just fallen asleep and I had to tear myself away from the exciting laundry, dirty kitchen floor and dirty just about everything else, to get on the PC. I was sort of into the flow of it (doesn't happen often), so it was hard to change levels. But must get on with the novel!

I remembered today that when I was working part-time and had loads of time (supposedly), I hardly did any writing. Things haven't really changed... whatever situation I'm in, I find myself making excuses and longing to just lie around reading a book. Sometimes I think books are my vice. So now that I'm grabbing little moments here and there (and sometimes a block of 2 hours after J's gone to bed at night, but often I'm too exhausted by then), it's no different.

So...onward!

Writing Meeting and Yoga Classes

Writers feedback

I went to a writer's feedback meeting with two friends today which was really good. I've only been to my regular poets group, Poets Cornered, once since J's birth, as the time has proved inconvenient for me because of having no-one to look after J. When he was really little I could just pop him in the sling and take him along to anything, till whatever time, but now he has a 'bedtime' it's more difficult! Anyway this afternoon worked out well though, he slept through nearly an hour of it! And wasn't too fussy the rest of the time. Still, it's hard to concentrate fully and juggle things.

The feedback made me think about why I write the poems I do, and what they are really saying. I write in such a 'stream of consciousness', free writing way (and then work on the poems) that I often find it difficult to explain why I said this or that. That's why feedback is so useful, because I can see how my poem comes across more objectively, and whether the 'story' or concepts follow through, or jar a little.

We made goals to complete for the next meeting, and mine was to get to the next stage with my novel, by using tools such as mind maps and flipcharts to see where it's going, get an overall picture. At the moment I'm contemplating simplifying it quite a bit. I wrote a good page and a half this morning which I'm pleased with - it was a new 'scene' and some surprising things happened.

Busy-ness

I've ended up being really busy again this week, seeing people every day and having lots planned. If I'm not careful I'll get exhausted again. It seems to come in waves though; I know better now when to slow down and schedule less. Before this week I had a pretty low-key one. But I haven't managed a single nap this week, and I'm starting to feel tired again.

New yoga class

I've organised the kundalini yoga classes, to start 1st May, and had fliers printed up which ended up being more expensive than I thought. Oh well. Put them up in a few places already, and the clinic where I'll be teaching said they'd give them to people at their Open Day today. Quite excited about it all, though also nervous, because the classes I started in Hove a while ago didn't ever take off. But this venue is a much more established one - the Hove one was a brand new practice, which was a mistake - but you live and learn.

Saturn Return doing my head in already!

Grrr...

Feeling this mounting sense of frustration which, I guess, is a result of not surrendering to the flow and continuing to try to 'get things done'.... if only I could know at the start of the day that it was going to be completely unproductive, I could perhaps resign myself to that! I'm writing this exam on Wednesday yet all I've managed to do today is 2 hours revision. The rest of the day seems to have disappeared in a haze of housework. Part of me just wants to put my hands up and admit defeat, part of me is determined to get there against the odds!

I know what's going on is me fighting against time... a real tendency of mine. I set overrealistic goals (esp. in light of my diminished capacity in pregnancy :)) and then get frustrated when I can't achieve them. My novel's barely got a look in the last few days.

Got absolutely drenched at the Autumn Equinox ritual last night (and walking to the bus stop from the park)... it was worth going though, reconnected with a couple of friends and felt good to give thanks for my harvest.

I really need to rest more and stop trying to do so much, but it's so hard to let go...I realised what's making it so hard is not having a definite date for J's arrival...the one uncertain time-frame I think I've ever had to deal with! So I can't say 'okay I have a week' and pace myself according to that, cos it might be three weeks or it might be five! Who knows...