Family-Friendly Policies

At the Mothers Uncovered session last week (a project I've been taking part in which gives new mothers the opportunity to discuss the rewards and challenges of motherhood), a topic of discussion was Conservative MP David Cameron's new 'family-friendly' plan to bring maternity nurses into the homes of every new parent, for six hours a day during the first week of a baby's life. He apparently was impressed by the Dutch use of this system.

Looking into it further, I think this is typical of political strategies to divert attention away from the 'real' issues that make family life difficult. Cameron claims he wants to help 'struggling' middle-class families who apparently cannot take their babies 'out and about' due to the streets not being safe. I had to laugh aloud at this suggestion. It reminds me of other familiar 'fear-tactic' strategies, e.g. 'The War on Terror' that convince us the enemy is without, rather than within.

I'm more than a little uneasy at the prospect of some Gina-Ford style maternity nurse coming into parents' homes at the very time when they should be building a new relationship with their baby, and imposing her regimes and ideas on often impressionable new parents. I can't think of anything I'd have wanted less than someone funded by the state to do this job, foisted on me at this point. A cleaner and cook would perhaps have been welcome, but what makes the state think that they know better about how to look after babies? This remark was most telling: "To have those extra pair of hands around - and the advice of a real expert [own emphasis added]- could, I think, have a dramatic effect on the beginning of a baby's life and perhaps help in setting a positive path for the parents to follow."

How about focusing on helping mothers who want to be primary caretakers, so that they do not have to go back to work to support their families - instead of steering them back into low-paid jobs as soon as possible? How about working towards longer paid paternity leave for fathers (recent improvements are promising, but still only a few days paid leave)? Educating NHS hospital staff about attachment theory, which is amply supported by evidence, and eliminating the kind of experiences other mothers tell me about, where they were told not to hold or touch their babies more than strictly necessary? Or to ensure health visitors have up to date and extensive training on breastfeeding and, also, attachment theory, so that they do not advise abusive methods of care such as 'controlled crying' in the name of 'sleep training'?

This kind of proposal is a subtly dangerous way of encouraging parents to believe that they should listen to 'experts' over and above their instincts. Mothers have been mothering for millenia without maternity nurses. I appreciate that there are many families were children are at risk, due to poverty, substance abuse and other factors, but surely a blanket approach of state involvement is a little over the top? I think it's giving a whole new meaning to the 'nanny state' concept.

My Summer So Far In a Nutshell

Well, as you can see I've been having a busy summer. J has been developing at a rapid rate - he appears to have a language all of his own now, as well as a unique method of locomotion involving bum shuffles, backwards crawling and attempts at the 'downward dog' yoga pose. He doesn't seem to realise this doesn't equal crawling - but hey, it gets him around.

The O2 Festival in early July was a good experience - performing my poetry alongside poets I greatly respect, such as Louise Halvardsson, Bernadette Cremin, and Jacob Sam La Rose. Our audience was an interesting one: punters at the beer garden section, who weren't always that appreciative of poetry, but who did warm to it as the set went on. J loved his first festival and didn't seem bothered by the music or crowds.

A couple of weeks ago I had my first camping experience as a mother - a very different one indeed to my carefree colourful days of the psychedelic trance parties in South Africa. Sleeping in a tent with a wriggly, hot nine month old doesn't make for good quality sleep, but the daytimes were great - lots of drumming, dancing, music, and new friends for us both to enjoy. I realise that next year will be tougher in some ways as J will have a lot more ability to say what HE wants to do - which won't necessarily coincide with my wishes! At this festival he was still fine to go in the Ergo sling a lot of the time.

My yoga classes are slowly starting to pick up, and my first writing workshop for mothers was great, leaving me with renewed inspiration for my own writing too. The next one is this Friday. I'm reading a wonderful book called "The Tao of Motherhood" which makes me feel so honoured to be a mother, and so inspired to see it as my spiritual practice. As as yoga teacher and spiritual seeker I often get caught in frustration at not having time to meditate or study spiritual matters, but every now and then a book like this reminds me of the living path I am on. I recommend it to any mothers who need a bit of solace at the end of a long day.

I've also discovered the brilliant writer Emma Donoghue. Having read and loved Touchy Subjects, her highly original book of short stories, I went on to devour Slammerkin, a surprisingly gripping tale of an 18th Century prostitute who just can't quite reform her ways. Now I'm reading The Woman Who Gave Birth to Rabbits, a collection of short stories about strange moments of British history.

My novel has been a little neglected due to going away three weekends in a row in July, and J's tendency to wake up several times during my 'writing time' in the early evening but I'm now picking it up again, and reading The Weekend Novelist Redrafts the Novel, by Robert J. Ray in an effort to inject some life into my second drafting process. I'm excited about the book's approach to redrafting plot and character first, and then dealing with style. I've been plodding along getting caught up in style, and having to re-write whole scenes, which is why it's taking so long. I'm resigned now to it possibly being another year or so before it is complete.

More instant results have been seen in my non-fiction endeavours: one of my articles has been accepted for publication in the natural parenting Juno magazine, to appear in the Nov/Dec issue, subject to co-editor's approval. This is my first 'serious' freelance print publication, since the Trespass article. I have a lot of respect for the magazine, so feel great to have my work appear in it. The tips I got from Christina Katz's Writer Mama seem to have paid off: I followed her hints on cover letters and editing articles, to the 'T', and got an affirmative reply the very next day.

My Suite 101 articles have also taken a backseat but I'm back onto it now with a new article appearing yesterday, entitled 'Travelling with Food Allergies' - hopefully going towards my eventual promotion to Feature Writer (let's be hopeful!) in the Allergies section.

Other exciting news is the upcoming reunion of the Writing Sisters Collective, of which I am one third, is happening at Mad Hatter Cafe on Montpelier Road, Brighton, on Tuesday 26th August at 8pm. Me, Louise Halvardsson and Petra Creffield form an international 'band' of female poets who perform our work as well as other poets'. It's been a while since we all got together so it should be good!

Well, better get off the net and back to my novel. Luckily J seems to be having an uninterrupted stretch of sleep tonight...(so far)...think it was his first swimming lesson tiring him out!

The Ups and Downs

The past few weeks have been challenging, exciting, and at times blissful. I had a spurt of productivity with my Suite 101 articles, but this week feel drawn to working on my novel again, and I find I cannot do both. The novel is flowing better, after a week of being a bit stagnant, so I'm grateful for that.

I've had a few bits of good news in my writing career: an article I wrote on life coaching and motherhood, will appear in the August edition of 'Personal Success' magazine (sadly, another unpaid clip, but any publication is great); I received an Editor's Choice Award for my '10 Tips on Green Parenting' article on Suite 101; and I have a spot reading my poetry at the massive O2 festival in London, in early July, thanks to my long-time friend and fellow writer who is editor of 2 magazines that are hosting the spot. So...I feel positive that some of my plugging away is making things happen out there. I also received a copy of the beautiful women's soul poetry collection, 'Brighid's Runes: A Collection of Women's Soul Poetry', compiled by Rachel Mica McCann, in which my poem 'For Sylvia' appears. The proceeds of the book will go towards projects such as the Greenbelt Movement. Planting trees is always a wonderful thing to be involved in. Copies are available from Rachel at rmicamc@yahoo.co.uk.

I'd like to focus more on getting into print media again. But I feel overwhelmed by all the possible different directions to go in, and too little time. I remembered recently that I am supposed to be on maternity leave, not working as such yet... but something happened when J hit the 6 month mark, and I needed to do something for myself. At the moment I have a first draft of an article for Juno Magazine, and am trying to think of things to submit to The Guardian.

As for my yoga classes, despite more advertising, still no go there. Which isn't a good feeling, but I have to accept the setbacks with the good. I am giving a 'new mothers writing workshop' in July which I'm currently advertising. I'm looking forward to trying new things and discovering what works (and doesn't work!)

I have been feeling pretty burned out because of the intensity of J's separation anxiety lately. Whew. It's hard work being the other half of someone who is learning how to be a human being. Especially without an extended family or network around me. It's really hard at the moment to have time for me, and I know this is probably going to be even more severe when J becomes more mobile. I think, what did you expect? But it doesn't help to deal with the reality. At the same time, he is becoming more lovely and fascinating by the day, and I love seeing his cognitive and emotional development alongside his motor development. It's a unique experience, seeing a new person unfold, and wondering what he will be like. I felt sad, reading 'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph, when he describes being mother to an older boy, and I found it so hard to imagine.

Harmony

Today was one of those beautiful days that just - flows. I'm planning an article on the way motherhood is teaching me to be 'in the tide', possibly for a magazine like Juno or Mothering. I went for a walk to Withdean Park, which is my favourite park (and luckily less than five minutes walk from my house), and while I was there two complete strangers struck up conversations with me about baby carriers, dragonflies, the importance of sun protection when you are young, and the passing of time as you watch your children grow before your eyes. I was fascinated to learn more about dragonflies - I was enjoying giving J my usual 'tour of the park', where I point things out to him and let him touch them - leaves, bark, flowers etc - and I'm sure I wouldn't have spotted the iridescent blue dragonfly if I hadn't been paying such close attention to things.

I was also touched by the friendliness and openness of these two people. Often, when I get stuck in stereotypical thinking, I imagine 'The British' as these closed, reserved people...but it's nonsense really. Sure, when you're all battling the crowds at a London tube station, it can seem like that - each man for himself - but I've noticed that when I'm open in my heart, others seem to be so too.

This book I'm reading, 'Awakening the Buddhist Heart', is really speaking to me. I've read other books by Lama Surya Das, and found his writing brilliant, but this one is so timely. I've been finding, in the past couple of days, that just keeping a larger perspective in my mind, of where I want to go with my spiritual journey, has been helping me to be more loving and accepting, and far less judgmental of others (and myself). It's helping me to let go of those petty little thoughts and words that just aren't worth it. I feel really lucky today.

A Little Outing

Yesterday I went to the Hanover Poetry Festival, part of the Brighton Festival Fringe. It was an outdoor daytime event at Queenspark, which is one of my favourite parks in Brighton. It was great to meet up with Lou-Ice, my friend and writing partner/inspiration of five years (wow, has it been that long!), and hear her performance of some new poems. As ever I enjoyed seeing Disraeli live, and he did a collaborative piece on Woodvale Crematorium with a guy whose name I didn't catch, but was also good. It made me want to rush up there to check out the amazing views he was talking about! The weather was drizzly but do-able. J enjoyed meeting some more trees and gave me some much-needed reading and brainstorming time before the event started, by having a long nap!

On Monday when I visited one of my friends who is expecting her first baby next month, I discovered a wonderful parenting magazine, Juno. I was impressed with both the writing and the range of topics. It's for the 'natural parenting'-minded and has everything from breastfeeding stories, to ecological/ethical issues, gentle discipline and different types of schooling. Definitely one I want to submit to.

I seem to have got back into my writing swing - when will I accept there are just rhythms to these things, and go with it? I've been working a bit on my novel, and writing two articles for Suite 101, one on communal living and its advantages to people and planet (a subject that fascinates me), and one on child-friendly attitudes and their importance to the whole of society. I submitted a poem for a breastfeeding poem competition on a website, just for fun really. And have been mind-mapping ideas for yoga workshops and courses. Am considering going the pre-booked course route as still haven't had any students for my drop-in :( It's so competitive in Brighton, I think you need to have a different 'edge' to compete. But on the one side I have the 'business brain' which is wanting to market effectively and so on, and on the other I feel that I should just be letting it flow and happen without trying to control. A combination of these is what I'm working towards...

wow, the time flies!

I have been really immersed in motherhood the past little while. Some highlights from the past couple of weeks: J experiencing his first ride on a swing, going down a slide and playing with sand; going to London to visit friends I've known for nearly a decade, who are great with J, and J loving London (his second visit; re-connecting with my lifelong friend, her sister and her mom (my second family, in a nutshell) and them spending time with J; and lots of beautiful sunny days. Amazing what a difference good weather makes: I feel lighter, more relaxed, and FREE when the sun is out and I no longer have to put layers on to go out. And J is enjoying being barefoot and free too!

Haven't had time for any writing other than mind-mapping my next Suite 101 article and reading more of 'Writer Mama', and doing a couple of exercises on there. I have just been too mind-numbingly exhausted, a combination of the weekend in London taking its toll (three nights of too little sleep in a row leads to a very tired mommy) and J's sleep being out of whack ever since, and the fact that J has been going through an exceptionally 'clingy' phase. Apparently it's a normal developmental stage, when at 7 months they first realise you are in fact separate from them, so this means even leaving the room for two seconds becomes an issue...it's hard work! Plus he has been waking loads at night again. It's so tough without family nearby to help. Friends can help here and there for an hour but I feel bad asking them, and they all have their own lives. Feel a bit on the edge of my tolerance for this intensity...but at the same time loving my time with my baby.

My next step with 'Writer Mama' is to get four magazines for each of my target audiences - writers, mothers, yoga teachers/holistic-minded people and women - and analyse them. Going to head for the library as no way I can afford to buy 16 magazines! Little steps, little steps....

SAHM or WAHM?

I came across Veronika Sophia Robinson's blog today. She is the editor of 'The Mother' magazine. It was extremely thought-provoking, on everything from the real origins of breast cancer increases, to the cause of teenage dysfunction and violence, to, in her latest entry, being a 'work at home' mum versus 'stay at home' mum.

This has been a question which occupies a lot of my thoughts since making the decision not to go back to my job or to look for another. Although I am a writer and yoga teacher, am I still a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)? My day is structured around child-friendly and child-orientated activities, rather than my work, at present, so I would lean towards the SAHM side, particularly as I am not yet earning any visible money from my endeavours.

I've just finished reading a fascinating, if dated, book called 'Who Cares?: A new deal for mothers and their small children' by Penelope Leach. I picked it up at a book market at Embankment in London this weekend, and devoured it in a couple of days. Leach puts forward the argument that until the age of three, group scenario's of childcare are developmentally inappropriate and damaging. What a child needs is one-to-one attention from a mother or mother-substitute. Feminism has done a great job in many ways but unfortunately it hasn't helped women to mother better, because they are forced to choose between mothering and career, mothering and money, and to feel guilty either way. "I do think that loving and caring for a baby and child is too important to give less than the best that we can.', Leach says in an interview with Oliver James. She has also recently led a study showing that children cared for in nurseries, child-minders and grandparents had more problems such as aggression and withdrawal.

The way that it's become harder to leave J in the evenings lately, to the point where I've decided not to try and do so again until I feel he is ready; the way I feel guilty when I'm only giving him 'half' my attention because I'm trying to do something else that, when you come down to it, isn't really that vital; the way I find that the more whole-hearted and involved I am with him, the more I enjoy parenting rather than find it overwhelming and burdensome; the way he is developing, more and more, into a person in his own right, who fascinates me with his total focus and motivation; all these things intuitively confirm the facts that I am learning about. Attachment parenting seemed so 'extreme' when I first saw it and read about it, but I now find anything else rather unthinkable. What is disturbing to me, is how few people seem to know what is best for children, developmentally and emotionally, despite the numerous studies that have been carried out on the subject. Is there a cover-up going on here? After all, clearly it suits our economy to have mothers all going out to work, and many jobs provided for the out-sourcing of childcare. If mothers knew how daycare could affect their children, at least they could make an informed choice.

'Writer Mama' (see my previous blog) is great,and has given me a lot to work on systematically in terms of breaking into publishing, but it assumes that you are happy to leave the care of your very young child with someone else, and that you have natural breaks during the day from the responsibilities of childcare. This is not the case for me right now, and I have found this difficult at times, but the more I accept it, the more I can see motherhood as my career right now - perhaps as my main job, with other things as corollaries. Much as when I was working a 37 hour week, I saw my writing and yoga as hobbies outside of that (even when I hated my job: the fact was, the sheer amount of time I spent on it, pushed other things aside).

No doubt I will continually revise these views as I go along, but that's where I'm at right now. I feel passionate about the way the younger generation is cared for and becomes part of the larger world, and that this is more important and more essentially creative than any other endeavour. The beauty of it is, I can write about my passion (when I get time...)