Eco-Housewifery and Other Mysteries

I have a new computer monitor...hooray! It's fantastic, and came to me absolutely free, courtesy of a good friend who I've spent most of today chilling with, along with our two babies. I've been so used to looking at a flickering screen, that this feels like a real treat.

The weather is extremely melancholia-inducing at the moment. Hence I gave up and left the house after lunch to avoid getting stuck in it. There's only so much housework I can do - and today it was very little. As a 'SAHM' (Stay-at-Home Mother) I feel barely related to those moms who actually enjoy the 'home-making' thing, such as Shannon Hayes, the 'eco-housewife' and author of Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture, discussed in Tracey Sutton's article in Brain, Child Magazine's Fall 2008 issue. I was in awe reading about how Hayes survives on about 3 hours sleep, gets up to milk the cows and spends all day working hard to provide her family with the basics -with childcare thrown into the mix.

I am far too lazy for that. I like a bit of play, a little navel-gazing, a bit of literature, and a lot of socialising. I like to just enjoy the day alongside my developing toddler and watch his forays into the world. I wept when I read Kyo Maclear's Pictures of Awful (Brain, Child, Spring 2008) this morning during J's nap. It was a moving yet unsentimental essay on watching one's children gradually release the awful-ness of the world: the cruelty, the heartlessness, the wanton destruction. It hit me for the first time that, right now, J doesn't know. He has no idea what he's in for. He doesn't know about Hiroshima and Auschwitz and the Iraq War. To him, the world is a trustworthy place.

I remember when, as a teenager, I posted affirmations all over my walls. I liked to read them morning and night and during the day when my confidence wavered. One day my sister saw one of them, which was about the world being a safe place. Something like 'I am safe at all times.' She said, outraged, her innocence already fractured at the age of fifteen: 'But that's not true.' Especially in post-apartheid South Africa, that didn't seem true. We both grew up in a nation full of fear.

How to strike a balance between a healthy guardedness and a trust in the sacred of life? My yoga and meditation practice bring me back, over and over, to the fact that I cannot control anything other than what is internal to me. Yet, and especially now as a mother, I feel a strong need to help make the world a better place. If I didn't, what kind of person would I be?

Making the world a better place, some argue, is best achieved in one's own 'back yard': through bringing up one's children in a way that reflects certain values and ideals. I've been struck in a hard place by reading Cynthia Eller's article Why I hate Dr Sears (Brain, Child Magazine). It led me on to discover blogs that discussed the attachment parenting philosophy of Dr Sears, America's 'favourite paediatrician', with scepticism and even disdain. At first I felt shocked - not because I've adopted Sears as a 'parenting expert', but because I hadn't questioned his prescription of attachment parenting practices 'across the board' - to all parents and all babies, everywhere.

I realised that I have been a little naive in my willingness to take on 'natural parenting' and 'attachment parenting' as a package deal. Something about being a new parent made me long for certainty, for answers, for a way to know that I was doing the right thing. So when I found the natural parenting community online and through Dr Sears' work, I felt that I had found that. And soon, anything of the opposite polarity became anathema to me - and evidence of bad parenting: controlled crying, sleep training of any sort, putting young babies in buggies.

I'm grateful to these articles and blogs for bringing me back to the broader, more sociological perspective that used to be second nature to me in my more academic years. For helping me to remember that these ideas are socially constructed and change constantly, and that dogma is dangerous. The debate must continue, and I hope to be part of it.

Brain, Child Magazine

I finally got round to ordering some back copies of Brain, Child magazine. It's an American magazine aimed at 'thinking mothers'. I've devoured my five issues and am hooked... it's full of personal essays about all manner of motherhood issues from raising mixed-race children, to how teenagers stay drug-free, to co-sleeping with a seven-year-old. All very well-written, with distinctive voices. What I like most about it is, unlike some other parenting publications, it doesn't lean strongly down on one side. There is even a 'debate' column where two writers discuss opposing views on a topic such as whether to raise your child vegetarian or not if you are.

I'm now plotting essay and feature topics for the magazine. I'm back on track with following 'Writer Mama''s tips to break into freelance writing, and feel motivated to start writing some fillers and making even pitching to a newspaper to cover a particular area. I'd like to cover the spoken word scene again and maybe get into some events for free ;)

I'm looking forward to seeing my second freelance print published article at the end of this month, appearing in Juno magazine. A bit nervous too, though, because it's such a personal essay and will feature photographs of me. Somehow, despite wanting to be a successful writer, I also want to be anonymous!

Letting Go

This time of year, autumn, always requires a big letting go for me. Letting go of the summer, which since moving to England always feels like it was too short, and letting go of my fear of the dark. And, yes, my fear of change. Especially this year, when I've so recently celebrated the turning of a full year's cycle since the birth of my son. I could let his babyhood be dragged from me kicking and screaming as it were - or I could let it go gracefully. With grace is the key.

Recently I've decided to let go of the notion that J will sleep through the night anytime soon. Or even sleep a longer stretch than two hours. I feel so relieved since making this decision. It was causing me (and more importantly, him) more torment to try and change his sleeping patterns, than it does to just go with the flow. It's such a cliche, but it's true in this case, and in so many others.

Letting go is hard in a culture that prizes making things happen. Right now I'm going through a process of sifting through the remnants of my old 'career life' and finding the bits that I want to keep, and make into a new whole. At first, when I hit six-months post-partum, I thought I would be able to do a complete 'organ transplant' of my old creative life, onto this new life. I started being madly productive again, and exhausted myself in the process.

And now, six months later, I'm realising that this was never going to work. Trying to re-write a novel that is in pieces all over the place, while writing non-fiction for the web and breaking into print media, while blogging, while following others' blogs, while reading and researching, teaching yoga, and reading astrology to try get back into astrological counselling...sheesh, sometimes I wonder if it's megalomania I suffer from or just a ridiculous lack of commonsensical perspective.

It's so, so painful for me to let go of any of the projects so dear to my heart. Even to let go 'for the time being', because I'm afraid I'll never come back to them. I'm afraid that at the end of my life, I'll look back and say 'oh I was doing this that and the other..then I became a mother and it all went out the window.'

I keep coming back to the fact that this time with J is so short. So fleeting. So not worth spending it worrying over other stuff. But somehow I need to keep feeding the parts of me that are creative, or I lose myself. I'm trying to extricate my sense of self-esteem from a need to earn money and be part of the economically productive sector of society. It's the first time as an adult that I've not been in that place. I'm looking around at my new world, and there are still empty spaces - I don't know what they look like because I haven't created them yet.

So, I'm letting go of the old me who needed to have ticked a million things off a list every day to feel good about herself. I'm letting go of the me who needed others' approval to validate what she does with her days. I'm letting go of the material values of our society that put making money above family and friends. I'm letting go of the need to know where this phase in my life is going, and when, oh when, I will have some independence and career success back.

Keeping journals has always been a big help. I've been journalling since I was about nine years old, and all my old childhood and teenage journals are still in a locked toy chest back home! When I'm a bit lost, I refer to past journals (at least a 2 year gap is ideal) and sigh in relief that I'm no longer that confused, that agonised, and mostly, that self-absorbed. There's nothing like motherhood to prick the balloon of your own self-importance. Hooray for that. But reading over my journal from September 2005, today, I also felt sad for the person with a multi-directional future, stretching out in front of her, full of limitless possibilities. Then I turned the page, and saw that my job seemed to suck up all my time, then, and I resented it fiercely. How more wonderful that what sucks up my time now is something as rare and precious as a child who loves me.

In the new year I look forward to starting the NCT breastfeeding counselling course. This is a direction I never thought of before having a baby, but now seems so right. It combines so many of my loves: counselling people, working with women, working with babies, research, activism (or lactivism), and, at a later stage, hopefully teaching too. Part of me is scared because it's yet another interest to incorporate into my life, and I know something else has got to give. I'm wondering whether to keep pursuing the yoga teaching actively or just doing a workshop and cover class here and there. Often I feel I'm being led in directions I don't understand yet. But how arrogant would it be of me to expect to understand, anyway. I'm going to let go of that too.

Mothers Uncovered Exhibition in Brighton

In previous blogs I've mentioned the Mothers Uncovered Project in which I took part, discussing my experience of motherhood with several other new mothers. The experience was reassuring, affirming, and thought-provoking.

Coming up now is the Mothers Uncovered Exhibition at the Tarner Children's Centre, Ivory Place (off Morley Street), Brighton. Public viewings are on Monday the 10th Nov to Friday 14th Nov : 1.00-2.45pm , and on Monday 4.30-5.45pm.

Bit late notice, I know, but thought I'd just put it out there! The exhibition will include a viewing of the video made out of the sessions, photographs taken by the participants of their daily 'mothering' lives, and comments from the participants. Let's celebrate and affirm motherhood!

Welcoming the Winter

The past week has brought with it the huge turning point of J turning one, and of us moving house - from a flat, to a house with a lovely little garden. It's been a stressful period with us still frantically cleaning the old flat on the morning of the key handover, but thankfully over- I wouldn't recommend moving house with a toddler though!

J is nearly a toddler - he can stand alone and walk with support. His behaviour's becoming more toddler-like by the day- yep, the advent of tantrums and every sign of being strong-willed. His communication is getting better and more sophisticated. He experienced his first moment on stage when I performed with the rest of the Writing Sisters Collective last month at the Horseplay poetry and music event. J did burst into tears during the set when the audience laughed, but other than that he was great. It was good to re-unite with my Sisters in Poetry. Today being National Poetry Day is poignant for me as I am of course at home rather than at a poetry event tonight.

September was a good month. We went up to Cornwall for a very good friend's wedding and to Exeter for a few days to visit family. Me and J and two friends attended the Out of the Ordinary Festival in the Sussex countryside in the first week of September, and it was out of the ordinary indeed - the weather was straight from heaven and the 'sunbow' I witnessed was very special. J loved the fires, the drumming and the general tribal atmosphere. I came back feeling so refreshed and ready to greet the winter!

So here we are in autumn. I've been having a week of irritating encounters with 'petty officials', from the guy who installed our internet and phone line, to the grumpy library official who should NOT be working in the children's section as she clearly does NOT like children (I'm plotting a letter of complaint at the moment, and have several allies on this), and the dentist who couldn't quite get that I didn't want to just suddenly have a filling on the spot with my one year old in tow. Sigh. Unfortunately the last person in the list of grumpy unhelpful people usually doesn't benefit from my people-pleasing tendencies, and is more likely to get a bit of an earful. My Mama Bear instincts came out today when I, and several other moms, were reprimanded for 'letting' our toddlers take children's books off shelves that were so temptingly put in their reach. It was a typical example of how un-child-friendly our society can be. There aren't many places we are welcome with kids in tow, and where it is free to enter, and I thought the library was one of them. I guess not.

Family-Friendly Policies

At the Mothers Uncovered session last week (a project I've been taking part in which gives new mothers the opportunity to discuss the rewards and challenges of motherhood), a topic of discussion was Conservative MP David Cameron's new 'family-friendly' plan to bring maternity nurses into the homes of every new parent, for six hours a day during the first week of a baby's life. He apparently was impressed by the Dutch use of this system.

Looking into it further, I think this is typical of political strategies to divert attention away from the 'real' issues that make family life difficult. Cameron claims he wants to help 'struggling' middle-class families who apparently cannot take their babies 'out and about' due to the streets not being safe. I had to laugh aloud at this suggestion. It reminds me of other familiar 'fear-tactic' strategies, e.g. 'The War on Terror' that convince us the enemy is without, rather than within.

I'm more than a little uneasy at the prospect of some Gina-Ford style maternity nurse coming into parents' homes at the very time when they should be building a new relationship with their baby, and imposing her regimes and ideas on often impressionable new parents. I can't think of anything I'd have wanted less than someone funded by the state to do this job, foisted on me at this point. A cleaner and cook would perhaps have been welcome, but what makes the state think that they know better about how to look after babies? This remark was most telling: "To have those extra pair of hands around - and the advice of a real expert [own emphasis added]- could, I think, have a dramatic effect on the beginning of a baby's life and perhaps help in setting a positive path for the parents to follow."

How about focusing on helping mothers who want to be primary caretakers, so that they do not have to go back to work to support their families - instead of steering them back into low-paid jobs as soon as possible? How about working towards longer paid paternity leave for fathers (recent improvements are promising, but still only a few days paid leave)? Educating NHS hospital staff about attachment theory, which is amply supported by evidence, and eliminating the kind of experiences other mothers tell me about, where they were told not to hold or touch their babies more than strictly necessary? Or to ensure health visitors have up to date and extensive training on breastfeeding and, also, attachment theory, so that they do not advise abusive methods of care such as 'controlled crying' in the name of 'sleep training'?

This kind of proposal is a subtly dangerous way of encouraging parents to believe that they should listen to 'experts' over and above their instincts. Mothers have been mothering for millenia without maternity nurses. I appreciate that there are many families were children are at risk, due to poverty, substance abuse and other factors, but surely a blanket approach of state involvement is a little over the top? I think it's giving a whole new meaning to the 'nanny state' concept.

My Summer So Far In a Nutshell

Well, as you can see I've been having a busy summer. J has been developing at a rapid rate - he appears to have a language all of his own now, as well as a unique method of locomotion involving bum shuffles, backwards crawling and attempts at the 'downward dog' yoga pose. He doesn't seem to realise this doesn't equal crawling - but hey, it gets him around.

The O2 Festival in early July was a good experience - performing my poetry alongside poets I greatly respect, such as Louise Halvardsson, Bernadette Cremin, and Jacob Sam La Rose. Our audience was an interesting one: punters at the beer garden section, who weren't always that appreciative of poetry, but who did warm to it as the set went on. J loved his first festival and didn't seem bothered by the music or crowds.

A couple of weeks ago I had my first camping experience as a mother - a very different one indeed to my carefree colourful days of the psychedelic trance parties in South Africa. Sleeping in a tent with a wriggly, hot nine month old doesn't make for good quality sleep, but the daytimes were great - lots of drumming, dancing, music, and new friends for us both to enjoy. I realise that next year will be tougher in some ways as J will have a lot more ability to say what HE wants to do - which won't necessarily coincide with my wishes! At this festival he was still fine to go in the Ergo sling a lot of the time.

My yoga classes are slowly starting to pick up, and my first writing workshop for mothers was great, leaving me with renewed inspiration for my own writing too. The next one is this Friday. I'm reading a wonderful book called "The Tao of Motherhood" which makes me feel so honoured to be a mother, and so inspired to see it as my spiritual practice. As as yoga teacher and spiritual seeker I often get caught in frustration at not having time to meditate or study spiritual matters, but every now and then a book like this reminds me of the living path I am on. I recommend it to any mothers who need a bit of solace at the end of a long day.

I've also discovered the brilliant writer Emma Donoghue. Having read and loved Touchy Subjects, her highly original book of short stories, I went on to devour Slammerkin, a surprisingly gripping tale of an 18th Century prostitute who just can't quite reform her ways. Now I'm reading The Woman Who Gave Birth to Rabbits, a collection of short stories about strange moments of British history.

My novel has been a little neglected due to going away three weekends in a row in July, and J's tendency to wake up several times during my 'writing time' in the early evening but I'm now picking it up again, and reading The Weekend Novelist Redrafts the Novel, by Robert J. Ray in an effort to inject some life into my second drafting process. I'm excited about the book's approach to redrafting plot and character first, and then dealing with style. I've been plodding along getting caught up in style, and having to re-write whole scenes, which is why it's taking so long. I'm resigned now to it possibly being another year or so before it is complete.

More instant results have been seen in my non-fiction endeavours: one of my articles has been accepted for publication in the natural parenting Juno magazine, to appear in the Nov/Dec issue, subject to co-editor's approval. This is my first 'serious' freelance print publication, since the Trespass article. I have a lot of respect for the magazine, so feel great to have my work appear in it. The tips I got from Christina Katz's Writer Mama seem to have paid off: I followed her hints on cover letters and editing articles, to the 'T', and got an affirmative reply the very next day.

My Suite 101 articles have also taken a backseat but I'm back onto it now with a new article appearing yesterday, entitled 'Travelling with Food Allergies' - hopefully going towards my eventual promotion to Feature Writer (let's be hopeful!) in the Allergies section.

Other exciting news is the upcoming reunion of the Writing Sisters Collective, of which I am one third, is happening at Mad Hatter Cafe on Montpelier Road, Brighton, on Tuesday 26th August at 8pm. Me, Louise Halvardsson and Petra Creffield form an international 'band' of female poets who perform our work as well as other poets'. It's been a while since we all got together so it should be good!

Well, better get off the net and back to my novel. Luckily J seems to be having an uninterrupted stretch of sleep tonight...(so far)...think it was his first swimming lesson tiring him out!